If this wasn’t a curse what was it? And it was the not knowing where my place in the future was being directed, not even by whom.I couldn’t help b...t still feel out of place; what was I doing here in this serious situation? I had just come for a summer job to fill in before college and the joy of sex had been thrust upon me, ultra extreme, plus I wasn’t even the same person physically. How was this all going to affect the rest of my life? Was I even going to have a life? Who or what caused me to. Well, because it's hard to trust myself. I ask myself if I really know those things, or if I'm just telling myself I know them because that's the way to score a hot chick, to live out a fantasy that so many middle-aged guys probably share. Hell, not just middle-aged guys: I bet you were the star of many fantasies from boys age eleven onwards. My reluctance didn't come from not wanting you, from not wanting this. It came from knowing that I did want this, and not knowing how much self-deception. More

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